by Markus Fortune
Family Day, which is coming up in less than a week, is a relatively new holiday. First celebrated in 1990 in the province of Alberta, the holiday was originally conceived as a day to take time to spend time with family and pay homage to founders and pioneers. Five provinces now observe officially designated Family Days as a welcome break during the long cold stretch between New Years and Easter. The intention behind the holiday is largely the same in each of these provinces: a day off work meant to be spent with our families. A wonderful idea to be sure, but not everyone feels enthusiastic or even comfortable spending extended amounts of time with our families, or at least not the ones we were born into. For many, the loved ones we feel closest to are entirely different people: our chosen family.
The concept of a chosen family is essentially the people we surround ourselves with. People we trust, love, and lean on as many people would with biological family members. These individuals could be neighbours we lived next to for a long time, childhood friends, members of community groups we belong to, etc. Anyone can have a chosen family, but the concept is especially common in the LGBTQIA2S+ communities.
It’s an unfortunate fact that a large number of people are not accepted by their families when they begin to accept, embrace, and/or identify with certain LGBTQIA2S+ communities and/or identities. This can be a heartbreaking event. Exploring our identities, needs, and values can be difficult and anxiety-inducing work, especially when we don’t feel we have the support of our own parents, siblings, and sometimes even our children. Some biological families become inaccessible during this time because they prioritize the version of us they want us to be, rather than our authentic selves. Chosen family members are those individuals who stand by us when our biological families will not.
For those struggling to find the support of a chosen family, the best advice I can give is to not force it. It’s human nature to want to fit in, but if we fit in for the sake of fitting in, we are denying ourselves opportunities to grow and discover more about who we really are, and who we want to become. If we aren’t comfortable altering our appearance or behavior to find acceptance from the families we’re born into, why would we do the same for anyone else? When chosen families value our authentic selves, they give us the space and opportunities to express ourselves and enjoy activities without fear of judgement or failure. Taking time and allowing yourself space for discovery and reflection is a good way to allow a chosen family to find us.
Giving ourselves space and silence can give us time to find what we need the most. For instance, during 2020 (a hard year for everyone) I had to take some time to myself. I spent this time resting and keeping to myself as much as possible. I took this time for about a year. Looking back, this was a helpful time that inspired a lot of self reflection, discovery, and growth. It did feel a bit unnatural, but it was ultimately time incredibly well-spent. It allowed me the space to think about what is most important to me and who I want to surround myself with. As a result, my social circle became smaller, but also more connected. I was able to find my place in my community, and find both patience and peace within myself.
Sometimes we find ourselves surrounded by people who make us feel like a fifth corner piece in the puzzle box, an odd piece out that doesn’t quite fit with the complete picture. Sometimes those people are family, although perhaps not the family we would choose for ourselves. If you find yourself in these surroundings, take the time to reflect on what makes you the person you are. Allow yourself silence to hear what needs to be heard inside, and to get away from those outside voices that may be telling you things that are neither true nor kind. Reduce the size of your social circle if you need to. (When it comes to our closest relationships, it’s quality that matters, not quantity.) Sometimes when we take this space and time we find new ways to connect with those already close around us. But sometimes, we find we really don’t fit with the other pieces in the puzzle box we came in. And that’s okay. Painful, but okay. Because what comes next is finding that other puzzle that’s missing a piece, a piece shaped just like you. And when that missing piece is put in place, we have a picture that looks like it was always meant to include us. It feels like we were made to be there all along. It’s the right fit that we chose for ourselves.
