by Tova Sherman
There has never been a better time to discuss intolerance and the residual, often undetectable, impact of intolerant workplaces, homes, and communities (big and small).
I assure you, there is no lecture coming. Rather genuine curiosity about how we address the insidious nature of intolerant behaviors, especially at work.
To be clear, intolerance is a lack of respect for practices or beliefs other than one’s own. It also involves the rejection of people whom we perceive as different, for example members of a social or ethnic group other than ours, people with disability or folks who are different in political or sexual orientation. I genuinely believe part of the so-called DEI Backlash we hear so much about is a simple way of pitting us against each other so we “look away”. The result; real harm is inflicted to everyone but especially to our most marginalized citizens.
Many researchers have identified that social intolerance, which has always existed based on culture, ethnicity, disability, gender, degree of affluence, etc., is on the rise – in tandem with the increasing multi-directional migrations of people around the world.
Difference makes us uncomfortable. I get it. And like everyone I’m susceptible to it. For example, my neighbors recently got backyard chickens. This is a culturally normal activity for them but in my urban neighborhood it was a bit of a surprise. Seeing them grazing over in my yard, frankly, I was annoyed and uncomfortable. My first reaction was to worry about noise and mess and the potential for rodents. But my second impulse was to remember to practice tolerance at the most basic level.
Taking this moment to pause between reacting and responding is a good example of self-management and self-control. According to Harvard’s Dr. Daniel Golman, practicing self-management and self-control are the first steps to developing emotional intelligence. This is a topic I address a lot in my training work, as emotionally intelligent reflection is key to developing and practicing tolerance.
According to most current research, there are four components of tolerant behavior. Looking at them through the lens of backyard chickens may seem silly, but practicing tolerance over small things is how we get better at modelling it in more difficult, higher-stakes moments. Those four components are as follows:
1. Awareness: The ability to ethically reflect. (Chickens grazing the neighborhood isn’t my norm, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t perfectly normal for my neighbor.)
2. Respect: The belief that we all have a right to our opinions even – especially- if we don’t agree. (Our norms may differ, but that doesn’t make my norm more important or more valid than my neighbor’s.)
3. Acceptance: Allowing difference not to deter us – but rather apply a healthy curiosity to understand what is different or new to us. (The chickens aren’t really that noisy, and now I’m very curious about how I can talk my neighbor into sharing some eggs.)
4. Self-control: Considering what you say and why you would say it. (Shouting to get these squawking, feather-shedding surprises out of my yard might have felt good in the moment, but telling him he’d made an “interesting choice” instead probably kept better peace with my neighbor.)
Choosing to model tolerance is a choice that makes you an ally. (And we could all use more allies!) At home over small things, tolerance makes you a better partner and better neighbor. But at work and in your community where the stakes are higher, tolerance makes you a changemaker.
